Monday, December 20, 2010

Anti-gravity Shoes, ACTIVATE!

Today, I decided that I was going to leap through the air and grab a branch on a tree that was well out of my reach. Why? I have absolutely no idea, and I really do hate to use the, "because I felt like it" excuse. However, there was no reason. Like I said, the branch was well out of my reach. So I stood there, under a tree, for over five minutes, leaping up and down, trying to get that stupid branch. I tried everything. Running starts. Really, really long running starts. Leaping repeatedly within a matter of seconds. Trying to grab it with both hands. Trying to grab it with one hand.
Nothing worked. That branch was starting to annoy me. So I tried, again and again and again. If at first it was not five minutes, at this point, I had definitely been there for more than that. Eventually, it was unbearable. Something inside of me needed  to have that branch. Having no other ideas, I stuck my hand straight up in the air as far as I could, screamed, "Anti-gravity Shoes, ACTIVATE!" Then leaped. I sailed nobly right up to that branch, grabbed a hold of it, and landed firmly on the ground, wearing a smug grin of triumph that you would expect to be used by Captain Hammer, the corporate tool of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog.

Actually, that's how it played out in my head. In reality, it went a little something like this:
I screamed internally, "Anti-gravity Shoes, ACTIVATE!" Then leaped into the air, wildly clawing at the branch, until I managed to bear-hug it with one arm. I plummeted back to the ground, branch in hand, proclaiming, "I got it! I GOT IT! Igotitigotitigotitigotit!" When I landed, I was off balance, so I stood there, flailing my arms around whilst trying to hang on to my precious tree branch, hopping up and down on one foot, whacking all my limbs around, until I smacked myself in the face with the branch. I sailed through the air yet again, then, face first, was ground into the grass, my nose practically coming apart, my whole mouth filled to the brim with leaves.
But do you know what?
I got it.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Thanks For Clarifying

To be honest, I had doubts. I'm so grateful that these instructions were made available to me:
And that my friends is how... Never mind.
Apparently I've been doing it wrong.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Waking Up

It's not very often that geniuses wake up with a crazy and fantastical idea about what time it is and where they are and what's going on and whether or not they are a member of the CIA.
That's why I'm the Anti-Genius.
Mornings can be crazy. I'm one of those people who has a hobby. My hobby is sleeping. My hobby is dreaming. About anything, really. Dreaming is just life being awesome, and dancing, and screaming in your face with flailing limbs, dancing up and down, yelling, "Hey, over here, look! YEAH I'M AWESOME!" Or something along those lines. Long story short, I like to dream more than anything else.

I'm sure that you've had the morning bout of confusion before: You wake up in a panic. You think that you've gotten up late, so you spring to your feet in a flurry of flying blankets, begin to tug on your jeans, and then realize that your alarm clock isn't even supposed to go off for another hour.
What's my first thought in the morning?
Murhurhurhur. (That's my take on the classic ol' "mwahahahahaha"). I spring out of bed thinking:
I've been separated from the time continuum. My entire bedroom has shifted to a time frame two hours before that of the normal world, thus cutting my connection to everything else, and meaning that although my intended location doesn't need me outside of the bubble I'm trapped in, here in this bubble of shifted time I am in fact supposed to be there and currently late, ergo the fractured time stream means that I've fallen into a dual late/early predicament that is entirely inescapable, and there is no way to undo its consequences!

My second thought is, "Dear goodness, that doesn't even make any sense."

Friday, December 17, 2010

Horoscopes: What's up with that?

Have you ever heard the term, "This's so obscure that you could make a horoscope out of it!"? No, I don't imagine you would've. It's a fairly obscure term. Maybe obscure enough to make a horoscope out of it. Or not. Let's stick to the not side. But, have you noticed that, if you are one of the people who is stupid enough to randomly read horoscopes, they all apply to you? Even the ones that don't fall under your "cosmic sign" or whatever it's called?
Gee, I wonder why! 
Maybe it's because, I dunno... they're obscure? I love how they say things that are an everyday, "no kidding" kind of thing. At this point, I can't even read horoscopes for kicks anymore. They're not funny. Just plain dumb. I mean, a couple of examples, here's some paraphrased horoscopes:

Aries (please note that this is one from a Saturday): "Things will free up a bit today."
Virgo: "A little bit of conservation today will enable you to have infinite luxury tomorrow." (Am I the only one who thought, "Confucius says" before this one? Honestly? That's a slap-yer-forehead piece of advice right there. Derp!)

And then there are the ones which are just plain bad, and probably not too terribly smart:

Taurus: "Turn your back on the problems of the day -- and they will eventually go away."
What kind of a thing to say is that? Isn't it just asking for trouble?

And for those of you who don't already watch too many stupid and pointless videos: This one... This one is great.

"That's Your Horoscope For Today" sung by "Weird Al" Yankovic and illustrated by some random YouTube user.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Parasitic Organisms and Children

Technically, in scientific terms, a baby is a parasite. Think about it! It lives inside of you, and it feeds off of the material that you consume for energy. Assuming, of course, that you are a pregnant lady. Which, thinking back on that, is a pretty big assumption.
Granted, it is a parasite that we want to have, normally, but it's a parasite.
Furthermore, using definitions from the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, we can prove it:


   2
   : an organism living in, with, or on another organism in parasitism
   3
   : something that resembles a biological parasite in dependence on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but babies do live in people, do they not? And hey, they depend on their parents for support in existence without any adequate or useful return as well. Some do that until they're thirty five years old.
Then, because it's mentioned, and just for fun and the sake of being stupid, we can look at the definition for parasitism:


   1
   : the behavior of a parasite
   2
   : an intimate association between organisms of two or more kinds; especially: one in which a parasite obtains benefits from a host which it usually injures
   3
   : parasitosis
EVIDENCE.
A mother slash baby association could most certainly be considered intimate, in the very least. To top that off, we can say that it fits the last part of the definition. They do obtain benefit from and injure their hosts (Cough cough, mothers), if only a little. I mean, babies do kick, so we can say that they are especially parasites. It's something that they're known for. And just for the sake of doing so, let's look at parasitosis:

1    : infestation with or disease caused by parasites


Children could definitely be described as an infestation. That's how I would describe my siblings, at least. And, though I wouldn't really know from first hand experience, I'm sure that motherhood is a disease.
Long story short, don't over think parasites. Or children. You may find a correlation.People, this is why we don't refer to babies in scientific terms.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Yikes.

Well, that must look awful. I made a post about why blogging sucks, and I promised to continue posting despite the fact that there is not a single soul in the Universe of Words who actually reads this...
And then I dropped off the face of the planet.
This must look pretty darn bad to all you nonexistent readers. It looks like I threw in the proverbial towel. I can already hear the fictional shouts:

"The Anti-Genius is a coward!"
"Terminal Stupidity is LAME!"
"Darn. I thought this might get good." <(Everyone knows THAT one isn't true...)
"ARGGGH!"

Poor fictional shouter reader people. I apologize for my utter failure.
I still exist though, and I still intend upon blogging. So hold your fictional tongues.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Why Blogging Sucks

It does. Mostly. Why?
A) Who's actually going to see this? I mean, honestly? The internet is vast. Gigantamongous. Like,  you know, big. I own one, tiny, minuscule, indiscriminate little corner of it that no one will ever find, ever. I can count on one finger the number of people who have seen this blog. I feel - justifiably - as though I am talking at empty internet. Because I am.

B) Even if you do find this, who says you'll read it? Or come back? I mean, it might entertain you for a day. Maybe two. But then you will forget that there was ever such a blog as Terminal Stupidity, and you will just leave it alone.

C) Having a new blog is no fun. No readers. Very few posts. That's why I'm making so many posts a day. If "you" (I am beginning to wonder if "you" exist) like what you see here, you won't be coming back for more, because this is a new blog, so by the mathematical property of sucking, we can say that it sucks. Especially from "Your" point of view.
But who cares? I don't. I'll still keep posting, because if I do, maybe someday this "you" of which we speak will become a real, actual, living person who exists and reads this blog.
And besides, this is fun. Even though it sucks.

The Universe of Words

You know, my last post got me thinking.
The internet really is a little miniature universe, is it not?
You have communication and interactions with other people, almost all of which are written down or recorded or both. How cool is that? And it's all written! I can't get myself over the fact that it's almost like a book, except that it's exactly like a book. A book in which you are a character.

I always wanted to be a book character.

There is drama (maybe that isn't such a good thing...) and adventure, too! There's web-comics and online roleplay forums out there, guys! And the excitement of discovering a new page, or following links, or stumbling across a really cool, entertaining blog? And there is entertainment, like YouTube and blogs and online games. It's all so much fun, out here, in the Universe of Words.
In which you are a character. In which I am a character.
How cool is that?

Emoticons

So everyone knows what emoticons are, right? But are they really necessary? Look, they're there so that they can simulate facial expressions on the internet, which would be totally and utterly facial expressionless without them.

But again, are they really necessary?

The internet is a written world. Made out of words. Partially, that's what makes it so cool. It's like a great big novel, written by billions of different authors, which you will never have a chance to read in it's entirety. You can, however, read tiny corners of it, like this one, to get an idea of what other people, who are authors of the internet, just like you, are thinking.
But in a written world, do we need faces? The internet gives everyone a chance to be eloquent, to an extent. Out here, you can think over every single word that you have ever had to say before you say it. Really, how many times have you said something mean, or embarrassing, or just plain dumb in speech? Out here, you can use incredibly long, adjective filled, descriptive, to the point, precise sentences- like this one - and it won't become very tedious. So, if facial expressions make up spoken interactions, we don't need them here, in the Written World, do we? We can be descriptive and somewhat eloquent here. We can convey happy emotions without having to smile, or depressed ones without having to frown.
So, break free of the bonds of verbal communication and facial expressions! Try something new!
Down with the emoticons! Because:
This. Is. The Interneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

To Geniuses

I used to be kind of smart. Yeah, not brilliant, or genius, but sort of a  little bit smart kind of in a way. For a while there, I knew what I was doing. A little. But then I decided that being smart was overrated, and that acting like a plumb fool results in so much more excitement and happiness! I enjoy dangerous, stupid things that carry a 100% chance of adventure, and a 250% chance of finding yourself in extremely deep, bad, dangerous trouble.

So, if you are one of those genius people who does smart things, and avoids activities such as climbing a forty foot tree on branches the thickness of your pinkie finger, I have a message for you: Stay out of my world. Please. The please is important. Mustn't forget the please. See, you will advise me about the dangers of whatever stupid thing I decide to do. You will reveal to me that it is a serious waste of time to search random things on the internet and follow random links. Sure, that safe and comfy lifestyle works well for you, and I sort of respect that. And I'm willing to do work and be sort of maybe smart - or at least try - when it comes to math and science. Adventure, however, requires bravery and dumbness, and I whole-heartedly try to embrace adventure. So I can respect that you are smart and comfy and safe because of it.
But I'd personally prefer to be reckless and dangerous and stupid and time wasting.
So stay off of my blog if you're going to put up any protest to my dumbness and time wasting and dangerousness.

Terminal Things

So, why ever would I call a blog "Terminal Stupidity"? What does that even mean? Could I possibly be talking about things that are so stupid they are fatal? But, wait a second... would that even make any sense?
No. That's not what I'm talking about at all.
Any object in free fall must reach its terminal velocity. That's what objects in free fall do... sort of. Actually, I think that objects in free fall do some falling. Quite a bit, as it were. But, an object at terminal velocity is an object that is going as fast as it can go, because if it were going any faster then it would be going so fast that it's too fast, you know? Okay, so that was intentionally overcomplicated. Basically, it's going so fast that it's physically impossible to go faster.
There are a lot of terminal things, I guess. People who are beautiful or hansom eventually reach the height of their beautifulness or hansomness, and thus reach their terminal beauty... or hansomness. Sometimes things become opinionated to the point that they can't be any more biased, or things are deadly to the point that they can't be any more likely to result in death. They're not known as terminal things officially, but who cares about officialness? Not me. Anything can be considered a terminal something, if you apply enough thought to it.
But I wonder if there's such a thing as Terminal Stupidity?
The world is kind of stupid. I am really stupid.
Is it possible, though, to achieve the highest level of stupidity ever?
Only time will tell.

Creative Words for "Dumb"

Yes, people, "The Anti-Genius."

Not mutton-head or moron, not stupid-face or plain old idiot. Not dullard or lame-brain, not blockhead or dunce. It isn't numbskull, simpleton, twit, or dolt or fool. I am not the donkey or the addle-head. I'm not the cretin, and I amn't a pinhead.
And yes, I am aware that "amn't" isn't a word. Not officially, anyway. Not yet.
I cannot be called the ignoramus or the tomfool, or even a dork, and I can't be known to you as the nitwit.
I am the anti-genius. Because that is not a word.
Another word for dumb would be "me" of course. But that's just a tad boring, wouldn't you say?

You see, I Google random things that will probably end up having police at my door one day. I do things that will not - ever - make any sense, and may possibly get me killed. I say sentences that will make you either burst into laughter, or will result in your slapping me, twice, for good measure.
You're in trouble, now. I am "me." I am the Anti-Genius. And you have found my blog.